Coalition Costings (pdf)

And from Larvatus Prodeo

Laura Tingle is probably the country’s finest writer when it comes to sophisticated political analysis.

That’s what Mark Scott said the other day. In her Canberra observed column this week she didn’t hold back:

There are two possible explanations for how an opposition presenting itself as an alternative government could end up with an $11 billion hole in the cost of its election commitments.

One is that they are liars, the other is that they are clunkheads. Actually there is a third explanation: they are liars and clunkheads.

But whatever the combination, they are not fit to govern. (Emphasis added)

She says that Treasury and Finance found “what can only be described as a systematic exercise in creative accounting.”

The picture that emerges from the econocrats’ report is that the opposition very purposely created a dodgy set of numbers which were never expected to withstand any scrutiny and would require the intervention of the Australian Securities and Investments Commission if it was a company.

They tried to bluff their way through to polling day and are continuing the bluff now. The cliam that the bureaucrats’ document proves the budget would be $7 billion better off under them she describes as “complete bullshit”.

I pause here to mention that Tingle has credentials in economics and in reporting on financial markets. There is a short bio here:

Laura moved into political reporting from economics, following a long period covering financial markets and deregulation for the Australian Financial Review and as economics correspondent for The Australian. She is also the author of Chasing the Future – a book documenting how the recession of the early 1990s changed Australia’s political and economic debate.

Her Canberra observed columns are here and you can actually read them if you click on the title and sign up for 14-day free trial.

In the rest of the article she takes apart most of their claims in detail.

One example is the $2.5 billion saving in the “conservative bias allowance adjustment” in other words the contingency reserve. Honesty and their legal obligation to “certify that the estimates of the fiscal outlook reflect the best professional judgement of the departments” require Treasury and Finance to include the contingency reserve in full. But of course there is no such requirement on an incoming government. They can be as shonky as they choose.

Then there was the $3.3 billion of promises made out of a series of so-called capital funds.

The opposition pledged to spend this capital fund money either without knowing this would have a bottom-line effect on the budget, or deliberately lying about it.

When caught out the Opposition effectively asserted that they would find the money somewhere without specifying where.

She says that Treasury and Finance bent over backwards to be polite about all this. But the uncommitted independents should weigh up these matters very carefully indeed.

BTW if you’ve heard various figures the black hole Tingle says the correct amount is $10.6 billion.

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Recruits, you, we, I have failed I think.

Because when you set out to fail and you succeed what have you really done?  Failed or succeeded?

That’s how I feel right now as my head spins…one light shandy too many I suspect.

Great news for Australia.  I’m not talking about how close we came to almost but not quite winning.  I mean that Wilson Tuckey has finally been felled.  What a relief for the whole country.

Instead we are now able to call on the wisdom, maturity and life-experiences of Wyatt Roy, a 20 year old who was voting for the first time.  He will be a great asset and I think I will have him replace the very boring do nothing who has thankfully retired,  Margaret May, as shadow minister for the aging.

Nice work Bananaby Joyce and Warrent Tench pissing Bob Katter off.  Had you not done that he might have sided with us to form government…that was close.

WTF with the green vote recruits?  A Greens MP and likely many senators?  Does this mean we will see lentil burgers in the cafeteria?  There are already enough farts in parliament house.

All in all it is a pretty satisfying outcome.  I had no idea what I would have done had the coalition won.

Thanks for all your hard work recruits.

My shout.  Light shandies all round.

Over and out.

www.HaHaHa.com.au

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Well, here we are.

I haven’t even dreamed of  winning, after all I haven’t slept for 5 months having been campaigning in flower markets, radio stations and night clubs 24/7 for the whole time.

As I go down in a screaming heap I want you to remember me for one thing and one thing only:

• I personally stopped RU486 in Australia – women have no rights
• I personally pretended that asylum seekers threw children overboard
• I personally helped keep Australia in the 1990s
• I personally pretended I wouldn’t bring back work choices
• I personally would have helped the Australian economy move into recession

and if I happen to win today I promise there will be more of the same.

VOTE EARLY – VOTE OFTEN

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Recruits, I am beginning to think Dr Spin has it in for me.

He keeps coming up with ideas he calls “great” and “winners” and “brilliant” and I only see as idiotic.

There was the marathon, the debate and a bullfight…sure they all got good media but I was the bunny.

His latest idea is that I “sprint to the finish” by campaigning non-stop for 36 hours until polling day or sometime around then.  He hasn’t actually nominated when it starts and finishes which is a bit of a worry.

I suppose it isn’t such a bad idea.  On Saturday night, when the results come in and the COALition has lost, I’ll be asleep.

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Recruits, I think I have great plans for members of Abbott’s Army and it is time to share them with you.

Here we are just 8 2 10 3 days away from the un-winnable election we had to have and although I don’t have a hope in hell (there I said it.  hell hell hell hell) of winning I can’t let you see my tears of frustration at being denied the chance of being Commander in Chief.

God why have you done this?  Why have you surrounded me by a bunch of idiots who

• don’t understand that wireless broadband is flawed,
• think we can turn back boats of asylum seekers without them doing something desperate
• don’t understand that Work Choices is the way of the future
• think there is such thing as Climate Change
• believe in equal right for women, homosexuals, Muslims, Labor voters and terrorists (actually they are all one and the same really)
• don’t listen to Andre Rieu
• have imaginary friends called God

Recruits, I had my chance but as Dear John Howard said, I “let it through to the keeper”.

You may recall I said I believe that Australia could use a more “guided democracy”, well the Real Tony Abott™  is about to emerge.  After the coalition loses on Saturday I will be ready to put my body where my mouth is.

Sunday morning…I want you all to take to the streets with guns and sticks and wireless broadband.  Some may call it a coup, I will simply tell citizens of my dominion that I have taken over before we move too far forward.

See you at the barricades after breakfast.

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Recruits, I am embarrassed to show this to you, but I feel like I need to warn you off the sex party and their attempt to shaft the election.

This attempt to ridicule everything I have done on God’s behalf has me frothing in various parts of my body.

What do they stand for?

• Same sex marriage…between people of the same sex.
• The right to privacy in our bedrooms – don’t be ridiculous, God sees everything.
• Save the Whales…sperm whales specifically.

Rooty Hill RSL was the ideal place for them to do a campaign launch but instead the coalition stacked the meeting and had a spanking good time.

My guess is we might see them campaigning in Bald Knob, though they may also be found at Intercourse Island, Mount Buggery,  Finger Post or Tittybong .  To be honest, I doubt they will get to Nevertire.

Last time Dr Spin saw their senate candidate she was near Come By Chance, but it was marginal whether she would make it or not.

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Recruits, we all know I inhaled – but I want to make it clear that I didn’t swallow.

Well, not intentionally and not what you think.

I hope you didn’t see my embarrassing family interview in the Sunday Telegraph.

I can’t believe I said things like “I can’t manage the family budget” while expecting Australians to trust me to manage the whole country’s budget.

I can only put it down to the fact that some Labor terrorist spike my shandy.  Now I desperately need a leak.

The whole idea was to make it look like I am an average and ordinary Aussie bloke who embarrasses his kids, struggles with day to day life and hates women.

But somewhere I started telling the truth about what goes on at home and if my wife was a man I’d apologise to her for that.

As for a family of 5 holidaying in a caravan park, the main problem was that towing the van there didn’t improve my government driver’s mood one bit.

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Recruits,  I didn’t know…really I didn’t.

I thought that wireless internet was like our KMart walkie talkies where you press a button to talk and listen through the static to the reply.  Then you say things like “Breaker breaker roger dodger, over and out” and voila, an email appears.

This is what I had in mind when I said that Labor’s $43 billion NBN roll-out was flawed and we’ roll it right back up again.

But that was when we had a chance of being elected.  The latest polls show that luckily I blew our chances.

Here’s what I didn’t understand.

• It isn’t really $43 billion.  That is actually the upper estimate, but it sounds like such a big number why shouldn’t we use it and they haven’t disputed it…idiots.
• Wireless internet uses the 3G phone network which is already  overloaded,  apparently because so many people have internet connected phones that are smarter than the average coalition policy advisor.
• Wireless might be fast but put two people on the same wireless and it is half as fast, put everyone on the same wireless and it will be about as fast as my ability to understand that we blew it.
• There actually isn’t enough wireless spectrum (whatever that is) to go around.  But that isn’t really a problem, the coalition hereby promises to add more spectrum.  I am going to personally chat with God to alter the laws of whatever it is that governs this.
• Should I happen to end up as Commander in Chief, because of the spectrum thingy, I would not be able to deliver on the wireless internet unsolution for at least 4 years.  Like not even start…you know…zero, sip, nada, nothing for all that time.
• Not everyone wants mobility…it should complement not replace a fast backbone.

Speaking of backbones…where can I get one?

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Recruits, I am unleashing the real Tony Abbott.

Now that either victory or failure is within my grasp I am not sure I need the hangers-on that have plagued my campaign any longer.

The real me is finally coming out with a policy that everyone will be able to understand and even the coalition will be able to implement.

I am offering a whopping $120 million to schools for technology grants.

Now if this was a Labor terrorist idea, the inevitable blow out means that all that money would provide would be  3 computers and a box of 3.5″ floppy disks.  Not good enough Australia.

Ensure that I am Commander in Chief next weekend and here is what you will get for $120 million with no cost over runs.

Given that when we dismantle the National Broadband Network there will no longer be an internet students won’t need computers, instead each student in Australia will be provided with their own Abacus.

To keep!!

Forever!!!

Abacuses (abacii?) are only $21.99 each They have been used for millions of years, there is no reason why students can’t use them now.

Assuming there are 1 million kids in school, at a cost of $18.5 million our program will come in $106 million or so under budget.

With the savings I promise we will also provide each school in a coalition electorate a Polaroid camera.

And those Labor idiots say we can’t manage the economy.

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Recruits,  the undebate last night was an unmitigated disaster.

I know that when you all read the Telegraph today it will rattle on about how great I was, but if you look closely you’ll see Dr Spin’s ink-stained fingerprints all over the story.

Dr Spin said I should stand on the floor instead of being on the podium.  It just made me look ridiculously short instead of the imposing, omnipotent being that I am.  Dr Spin…I remind you that it was your idea and I’m not impressed.

On the other hand, I take my hat off to you for the way you managed to have the audience of “undecided” voters decide to un-undecide themselves in my favour before they arrived.

What a coup that you managed to get the guy who apologised for not wearing a shirt in.  He asked me the toughest question of the night (LOL).  But who would have thought that enough people watched Big Brother to recognise him as Joel Scalzi, member of Young Liberals and son of a coalition candidate.  Ooops!

One spooky thing happened last night.  As you know, I am currently polling 46% and 46 also happened to be my number at the Roooty Hill RSL bistro for chicken and chips.

I can feel God’s greasy fingerprints all over this.

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Recruits, once more I am outraged but that seems to be my perpetual state right now.

For a couple of days it looked like my worst nightmares might come true and the coalition would win the election and I would be Commander in Cheif.  THEN WHAT???  I have no idea what I am supposed to do next.

But thankfully Hockey 1 Hockey 2 and I contrived to reveal an estimate blowout of $8 billion.  I slipped in a convenient typo.

But if we are deserate to lose, it seems that the Muslim Labor Terrorists are just as desperate to win. How desperate? Thanks for asking,

First it was the Addams Family, now Rocky Horror…is nothing (except me and God) sacred?

At least they didn’t show me wearing a garter belt.

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Recruits, it’s OK for the coalition to use old Labor quotes against them but who said they could do the same to us?

At least I got closer to being Commander in Chief than smug faced Costello ever did.

But that’s little consolation when neither of us get the top job.

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Recruits, I have been ridiculed once again for failing to mention anything about the coalition economic plan in yesterday’s campaign launch.

I suppose this is the time to prove to you that I understand economics, despite the fact the 4 out of 3 Australian’s don’t.

For example, the answer is -6.  You are likely wondering “but what is the question?” and it further demonstrates why I am in charge and you are just a plebeian recruit.  -6 is the result of this post’s title: 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1  DER!

Coincidentally it is the amount our polling fell because of my policy launch speech.

I could have used the opportunity to talk about policies, but I understand that they don’t matter to the Australian people.  Just ask Uncle Rupert or other media owners.

I could have used the opportunity to talk about the future, but I am more interested in the past – it’s much safer returning to where you have been.

I could have used the opportunity to talk about what we will achieve but standing saying nothing for 15 minutes would bore even the most fanatical recruit.

Recruits you are simply going to have to trust me to ensure that the coalition will reverse Labor’s strategy of moving the country forward.

I suppose I should dribble out one more bit of policy so:

• Not only will we scrap the National Broadband Network, we will scrap broadband altogether.  Dialup is good enough for me, it should be good enough for you

Recruits, you can see that I have a glorious vision for the past and with your help, I intend to take Australia there.

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Recruits, I have received a top secret briefing paper that reveals the inner workings of one of the nation’s most brilliant and backward thinking political minds: mine.

You can read the contents here, but please don’t spread it around.

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Recruits, I am going to have to conscript some of you for my personal bodyguard detail after a rather tasteless incident last night.

The extended family and I had just settled down for a quiet meal at our local Chinese takeaway (speaking of tasteless) and were growing accustomed to the laminex table and fluorescent lights.

Suddenly a fanfare sounded, the door swung open and who should it be?  Evil John Howard and Lifeguard Phil Ruddock entering in a halo of white light.

This was a complete shock to me as I didn’t even know they ate at my local Chinese takeaway.

It all looked good; they saw the line of people waiting for their food and discussed heading to Smirkin Costello’s house  instead.

I thought Evil John hadn’t spotted me but as I sat huddled behind the plastic “Christmas in July” tree, holding my breath, he caught my eye…curses!Evil John and Lifesaver Ruddock gave each other a conspiratorial glance.

“We have some advice for you” they said in unison with that weird spooky echo effect that you would get in a vampire movie.  Dr Spin decided this was a photo opportunity and whipped out his iPhone.

I didn’t have time to ask the illegal immigrant terrorists who run the restaurant to turn up the background muzac to drown them out. I thought about putting my fingers in my ears and saying “umm ummm ummm” , but just then our order arrived and I was hampered by a plastic back of quickly congealing braised something in each hand.

As one they said “Tony, you had your chance when you poisoned KRudd but you didn’t use enough.  Now it’s too late”.  I ran screaming to the car, wife, kids and Dr Spin in tow.

“It’s too late” was echoing over and over in my head.

I thought it would keep me awake all night, but fortunately the headache I got from all the MSG drowned out the voices in my head.

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Recruits, if you can’t beat them with brains or brawn, baffle them with numbers – that’s Dr Spin’s new approach.

You may recall I promised to support efficiency and slash bureaucracy, well I have had a great idea that will help to confuse the issue even more so that the idiots general population will think I am full of it and elect me to be Commander in Chief.

I have released a genius policy to establish hospital boards for every public hospital.  Stick with me on this because I know it isn’t nearly as sexy exciting as accusing KRudd of leaking…maybe that’s why they removed his gall bladder.

Let’s do some figures: There are 737 public acute hospitals in Australia. my brilliant idea will create a local hospital board in each, that’s 737 new local hospital boards.

But that’s not all…helping the homeless or some other thing that the government is responsible for, this means the creation of 737 Board secretariats, 737 sets of meeting papers to be prepared every time they meet, 737 sets of resolutions to be recorded and monitored and reported against and 737 separate bodies fighting each other for a share of the health resource pie.

Some might think this is bureaucracy gone mad – personally I think it is a great way to reduce unemployment as well as the fantastic public spectacle of all these boards scrapping for limited health funding.

This idea is fully sick!

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Recruits, it is a rare treat for you to see the inner workings of the brain of your Commander in Chief to be.

Today I thought I would share the interview I did last weekend and add a DVD extras thing where you can have a commentary by the director…in this case me.

You’ll get to see how my mind works when the interview hits the fan – my thoughts were recorded by one of those creepy Matrix worm things that was embedded in my brain by Dr Spin.

Laurie Oakes :Good morning, Mr Abbott, welcome to the program.

Me : Nice to be with you Laurie. WTF am I doing here?

LO: In light of that latest poll, have you started measuring the curtains at the Lodge?

Me: Look, Laurie, this isn’t about me and my chances. It’s about our country and its future. That’s why I keep saying that we’ve got to end the waste; we’ve got to pay back the debt; we’ve got to stop the big new taxes and stop the boats. Glad I got the key points out, hope he doesn’t notice

LO: And stay on message. Which you’re doing there, I notice.

Me: Thanks. crap

LO: Now, there’s a story in some of the papers today about allegations that party officials, Labor, but some Coalition too, apparently, are gambling on this election, betting on the results in some seats. What’s your attitude to that?

Me: Look, I don’t think it should happen. I’ve never put a bet on an election result, and I would certainly want to discourage it. Hope he hasn’t noticed the odd included on this site

LO: Nick Xenophon says that you and Julia Gillard should ban your people from doing that. Will you impose a ban?

Me: I am a reluctant bann-er, but I would certainly be very happy to say that it should not be happening. unless I was sure we were going to win

LO: While we’re talking Sunday papers, what’s your comment on Alexander Downer’s claim that the Coalition used to feed information to Kevin Rudd so that he could use it against party rivals like Laurie Brereton?

Me: My understanding, Laurie, is that Alexander has disputed the story, and I doubt that it’s true. LOL

LO: So, why did he say it? Are you saying that he didn’t say that?

Me: Well, he’s put out a statement and he disputes the story. LOLOL

LO: OK. Well, you told Malcolm Turnbull once that you were a weather vane. Does Australia need a weather vane as a Prime Minister?

Me: Um, it was a bit of light-hearted banter. WTF?  This is supposed to be a fluff piece

LO: It was followed by the word, “Mate”.

Me: Yeah, it was light-hearted banter, and obviously, I want to do what I’m saying I’m going to do, and that is, as we said earlier, it’s to end the waste, it’s to repay the debt, it’s to stop the new taxes and it’s to stop the boats Laurie. When all else fails, stick to the script

LO: That was specifically about your attitude towards climate change and the Emissions Trading Scheme. You’ve had more positions on that than the karma sutra haven’t you?

Me: That’s an old joke Laurie. What’s the Karma Sutra?

LO: It’s true!

Me: Look I’ve always thought that climate change happens. The important thing, though is how do you deal with it? And I think that the best way to deal with it is to take practical action that will achieve the 5% emissions reduction target by 2020. Unfortunately it has already been negated by all the hot air I have spewed during this campaign

LO: That’s now, but last year, you wrote a “op ed”? piece in a newspaper saying that the best thing that for the coalition to do was pass the emissions trading legislation, get it out of the way?

Me: I was trying to support the leader, and obviously, the leader, then, had a rather different position to me on this. plus I didn’t want him to see me sneaking up on him

LO: Then you said that climate change was crap?

Me: I think what I actually said was the idea of the settled science of climate change is a bit aromatic. like this frigging interview

LO: And then you said you only said that, in fact, on this program, you said you only said that climate change was crap because you were trying to persuade a group of Liberals in Beaufort Victoria that negotiating an improved ETS scheme would be the best thing to do?

Me: Sure, Laurie. Look we can go … take control…take control…

LO: That’s four positions so far?

Me: We can go over all the history, but the important thing is… it isn’t working

LO: The important thing is that then you had another position where Malcolm Turnbull did negotiate a compromise, you pulled the rug out from under him and you became the leader and said no ETS now or ever.

Me: The important thing Laurie is what will happen if the Coalition wins. We will achieve our 5% reduction through some direct action measures. What will happen if Labor wins? If Labor wins, we will have a carbon tax. Simple as that and that will put up the price of everything. A $40 a tonne carbon tax will double the price of electricity.  I hope no one picks up the hole in this where in fact it is only about 20% really

LO: But, isn’t it important if you become Prime Minister, that Australians can believe what their Prime Minister says?

Me: It is and I am very happy to pit my record against that of Julia Gillard. Why should the public trust the Prime Minister when not even Kevin Rudd could? Excellent…get KRudd in

LO: All right, but I’m interviewing you today, not Julia Gillard? Another weather vane example, you said that you would not have a new tax under any circumstances? A month later, you announced would be a 1.7 % tax levy to pay for the paid parental scheme. Weathervane!

Me: Well Laurie, the point is that paid parental leave is not only a visionary, social change, but it’s an important economic forum.  If only we didn’t have to give all this money to women.

LO: You’re talking about the broken promise on taxes within a month. You couldn’t hold a position for a month?

Me: The point I’m trying to make Laurie, is that paid parental leave is a very important social change and an economic reform and if we’re going to get it any time soon, it does have to be paid for.  I want to go home

LO: So another example where people couldn’t believe what you said?

Me: I think it was a situation where I changed my mind about how we were best going to achieve a very important social change and a very important economic reform.  Dr Spin, get me out of here

LO: There’s a lot of mind-changing. On paid parental leave itself. First it would only happen over your dead body?

Me: Look, I’ve been quite upfront about the fact that I did change my mind on this issue but … stop bloody interrupting you fat bastard

LO: A lot of issues.

Me: That’s what people do when they are mature people. They are capable of growing and changing in response to changing circumstances.  and I am mature…nyah nyah nyah

LO: But it keeps changing. In your book, “Battle Lines”, you said you’d come around to believe that in a paid parental scheme, which was a modest scheme funded by a small levy on all business. Then you produce something that’s not modest at all, very generous people – get full pay, up to $150,000 a year, and it’s paid for on a tax only by big business?

Me: And, I think if you go back to the “Battle Lines” Laurie, you’ll see that the scheme the Coalition has proposed is quite similar to the scheme that I came up with in “Battle Lines”.  Alright!!!  I may not win, but at least I will sell a few books

LO: The scheme you came up with is not modest, let alone ? Modest.

Me: Well – Look, people can argue the toss backwards and forwards, but do we or do we not want a fair dinkum paid parental leave scheme? Years and years ago I didn’t.. I have grown into this position and I don’t apologise for growing out of old-fashioned positions and coming into better positions, which better reflect the enduring values of the political movement that I now lead. Yes!  Check off saying “fair dinkum”

LO: They say people change their minds, but you change yours a lot for someone who wants to be Prime Minister. I mean, now, you’re talking about changing the paid parental leave scheme again and you haven’t held that position through you the election campaign?

Me: Labor can’t have it both ways. On the one hand, they can’t say that I’m an old-fashioned ogre, and on the other hand, say that I change my mind too much. haha  turn their argument back on them

LO: Do we want a Prime Minister who changes his mind all the time? And you can’t believe what he says because he’s a weather vane?

Me: As I said, I’ll leave all of this to the public to judge. I mean, on the one hand, you’ve got the Labor Party saying that I’m desperately old-fashioned and reactionary and on the other hand you’ve got the Labor Party saying that I change my mind all the time so I think the Labor Party needs to…  I want to go home

LO: It’s not the Labor Party saying it, I’m saying it.

Me: I think that Labor needs to get its story straight, Laurie. That’s it…you’re dead when I am Commander in Chief

LO: You know that I’m not spouting Labor Party lines. This is fact, I’m quoting you, not the Labor Party. Let’s look at immigration. Where do you stand on immigration at the moment. You announced a week ago that you wanted to halve the instake?

Me: What we need – we need to get the intake down from the current unsustainable levels. We had 301,000 in 2008. We had 277,000 last year, and we’ll get it down to a maximum of 170,000 in the first term of a Coalition Government.  I am a small immigration man

LO: So you’re a small immigration man?

Me: I’m an appropriate immigration man. And I want a strong Australia. Over time, a strong Australia will be a bigger Australia, but not nearly as big as the kind of figures that recent levels of immigration would give us. We don’t need 43 million people by 2050.  Keep him on his toes, he won’t notice

LO: Well, in May 2008, you said, and this I’m quoting you again, not the Labor Party. You said, “One of the Howard Government’s greatest but least recognised achievements was to rehabilitate the immigration program, increasing numbers to record levels.” Woopee, big immigration.

Me: And the interesting thing about the Howard Government’s record in immigration Laurie, is that public support for the program increased at the same time as the numbers increased, and one of the reasons for that was because the Howard Government stopped the boats. One of the problems at the present time is that public support for immigration is falling away because the Rudd/Gillard Government has not been able to control our borders.  My recruits are going to have so much fun sinking boats

LO: But you know that the asylum seeker boats don’t affect the population, because refugees who arrive that way are taken off the top of our program, so it’s got no impact on population. Now, let me put this to you. In January, you said, “There’s no reason to think that Australia has a fixed carrying capacity. My instinct is to extend to as many people as possible, the freedom and benefits of life in Australia.”

Me: Of course, I said that. But the point is, – the point is Laurie, recent immigration numbers have been unsustainably high… check off another key word – sustainable…oh hang on…

LO: But that was only January?

Me: Yes, but one can be in favour of an immigration program. I mean, I was born overseas myself, Laurie. I support an immigration program. I support migrants. The Liberal Party always has and always will be a pro-immigrant party. But it’s got to be a sustainable program, and that’s the whole point of bringing the numbers down from the current unsustainable figures to a sustainable figure. And unlike Julia Gillard, who tries to have a population debate without talking about immigration, I’m being upfront with people and I’m saying that if we are elected…  Quick cut me off before I put my foot in it

LO: You’ve done a total 180 degree turn since January?

Me: The point that I make… That’s not what I meant you to say

LO: Weathervane!

Me: The point I make Laurie, is that there’s got to be public support for the immigration program, and with out of control borders, it’s very hard to have public support for the immigration program. If the people think that a component of our program has been subcontracted out to people smugglers, they’re not going to be very supportive of immigration. What am I doing here?

LO: Another weathervane issue WorkChoices. Your current policy is not to touch Julia Gillard’s industrial relations laws. You say that they deserve a fair trial and business deserve certainty. That wasn’t your view, only – what – two months ago?

Me: The point is that I have been absolutely crystal clear…OK, here I go, a key point

LO: About changing your mind?

Me: Because I accept the verdict of the people in 07. And over the last few months in particular Laurie, I’ve been talking a great deal to the business people who live under these laws, to the people who work under these laws and they say that they can live with imperfect laws, what they can’t deal with is constant change, and that’s why I say I’ll give them a period of certainty and stability.  I’m gonna kill him!

LO: But as recently as your Budget Speech in May, you said these the laws would destroy small business.

Me: That’s not quite what I said. What I said is I would like to see more flexibility, and the interesting thing about the legislation is that it does provide for flexibility.  not “quite”

LO: You said a few months ago that it’s massively unfair to small business?

Me: And as I said to you Laurie, I’ve been talking to small business and they say… we used to be big business

LO: Why wouldn’t you talk to them before you said that it was massively unfair to them?

Me: They make the point… they wouldn’t bloody listen to me anyway

LO: Off the top of the head?

Me: They make the point, Laurie, that there are aspects of the legislation that they don’t like. But what they want above all else is a period of stability and certainty, and that’s what they’ll get under me.  if I don’t get any more interviews like this

LO: So, are you a weathervane?

Me: I’ll leave others to make their judgments. What I am trying to do is the right thing by the Australian people and as circumstances change, sure, the appropriate policies will change, but at the moment, what we need above all else is to end the waste, to pay back the debt, to stop the big new taxes and to stop the boats. I’m dying here

LO: In the notorious “7: 30 Report” interview, with Kerry O’Brien, you said in the heat of discussion… I can’t read my writing. But you said, – no “but in the heat of discussion You go a little bit further than you would if it was absolutely calm, considered, prepared, scripted.” Now, that’s an exact quote. A lot of people leapt on that as questioning your truthfulness. I was more concerned what it said about you, the admission that in the heat of the moment, you go further than you should. Is that a good quality for a Prime Minister?

Me: It’s something that has got to be kept under the best possible control Laurie, and that’s something that obviously I’m very, very determined to do.  and it is only the best control that is stopping me strangling you right now

LO: All right, now, you’ve got a policy out there today on aged care. Can you tell us about that?

Me: Yes, sure, it’s $935 million. And our objective is first of all to get more beds, and second, to get more high-care beds, and third, to cut the red tape, which is such a practical problem for the nursing home operators. They aren’t making nearly enough money

LO: Now, Julia Gillard’s also announcing a policy today. She’s going to allow super funds to offer a simple low-cost product called MySuper, which she says will give average workers an extra $40,000 when they retire. Do you favour that system?

Me: I understand that this is one ever the recommendations of the Cooper Review. What we’ve said Laurie is that we will carefully consider those recommendations. We haven’t given a formal response to them, but we will carefully consider them. Well, I can’t really say “yes” can I you idiot

LO: What are you going to do about Parliament? I know this is not a mainstream issue, belclay?? issue.

Me: It’s important to me Laurie.  OK, here I go…a chance to be leader-ish

LO: Well, I think that it is probably important to Australians.

Me: I think it is.. I can’t think of anything to say

LO: Are you going to do something about it?

Me: The problem in Parliament Lauris is that all people see is Question Time, and Question Time is basically adults, responsible adults, shouting at each other. It’s not a good look and it doesn’t actually enhance our system of Government. So what I want to do is to try to get away from the ferocious adversarial partisanship of Question Time, and one way to do that or — to help do that, is to limit the length of ministerial answers, to limit the length of questions. To try to ensure that the answer is directly relevant to the question. And to make sure that we go straight out of Question Time into the matter of public importance debate without waffly ministerial statements on things like the accessibility of cinemas. So I will change or I will seek to have the standing orders changed. OH NO…did I just say that?  Waffle about people with disabilities.  It’s OK, no one will notice.  CRAP!

LO: Kevin Rudd used to sometimes go for 12 minutes with a boring answer to a question. What limit will you put on it?

Me: He was, as you said Laurie, the Bradman of boredom. An excellent line! I think four minutes is more than ample time to get out a ministerial answer. If you need more time than that, you have a ministerial statement. So, there’ll be a one limit on questions and four minute limit on answers. This is the system that’s worked pretty well in the Senate and I think it can work well in the House.  The Bradman of Boredom…ha ha ha  – that will make them forget my insult to spastics

LO: A quick final issue. The Greens look like having a balance of power in the new parliament, could you work with the Greens if you were Prime Minister?

Me: I don’t know Bob Brown well. But we have got on well on those occasions where we’ve needed to talk about things. I think he’s sincere. I think he sincerely wants a carbon tax, which is one of the reasons why… You don’t really expect me to talk to a poof do you?

LO: Which you don’t?

Me: Which is one of the things that a re-elected Gillard Government is going to be a real problem. But I will do my best to work with whoever I have to work with. But I’ll have my objectives and they’ll be clear ones. To end the waste, to pay back the debt. To stop the big new taxes and to stop the boats. He won’t notice that I am back on message

LO: Again on message. We thank you.

Me: Thanks Laurie This is the worst day of my life.  I’m gonna kill him!

Filed under: Asylum Seekers, Climate change LOL, Enviroment, Me, Mistress Julia, Politics | No Comments yet »

Recruits, since I am a genius in the fields of economics, fitness, religion, geology, podiatry, optometry, psychiatry, phrenology, cosmology, astrology military tactics, blogging and the morals of women, my opinions are definitely worth adopting without scrutiny.

I am right.  You know I am right.  Let’s leave it at that.

I guess the thing that has me a bit riled up today is that the moron Glen Milne doesn’t know how right I am.

He has dragged the depths of gutter journalism and fear write, on the website of that Communist organisation the ABC, a nonsense ridden fictional piece about something that isn’t true.

His suggestion that I might have rorted my travel expenses to publicise a book that I just remembered I haven’t plugged to you for a long time, is nothing but a desperate smear campaign by desperate people desperate to make me look desperate.

Uncle Rupert, I’d just like to thank you for making sure this didn’t get a run in the mainstream media – meanwhile, please keep the heat on Mistress Gillard over the “cabinet leak” but please don’t mention the bug in her pearl necklace.

This blog post has been prepared at the taxpayer expense…so come on…arrest me or something.

Filed under: Me, Mistress Julia, Politics | No Comments yet »

Recruits, I want to let you in on a little secret.

As leader of Abbott’s Army and future Commander in Chief of Australia I believe it is important that I trust all of you with important battle plans.  Not all of our plans of course, most of them are for important people, but there are some things I can tell you.

No doubt you all stood to attention during the debate and gave a rousing 3 cheer or Amen for me every time I spoke.

But here’s the secret…it wasn’t really me.

Dr Spin didn’t think I was up for the job and to be honest, neither did I.  I would have started in on Mistress Gillard being not Catholic, even not Christian…in fact, not religious!  Then I would have gone for her being not a virgin and unmarried.  Then I would have mentioned she is a girl.  All valid and worthy points for sure, but not a good look in a debate.

So we grabbed David Barker, gave him a massive makeover so that he was indistinguishable from me and sent him in with Dr Spin’s hand up his arse backside moving his lips.

Guess what?  Not only did I get away with it, I we did a fine job with several of my friends media outlets  saying I won.

Check this out:

Uncanny isn’t it?  Impossible to tell us apart in looks or beliefs.

I thought we were going to kill him so he couldn’t tell, but Dr Spin has this idea that should I happen, by the most remote of possibilities, to actually win and end up as Commander in Chief (his words) he might keep using the fat bastard.

Filed under: Me, Mistress Julia, Politics, Religion | No Comments yet »

Recruits,,  I am reminded of something a shopkeeper once said to me during  a walkabout – no, not “piss nick off”, that was someone else – “Business would be so much easier if I didn’t have to deal with customers”.

Well I have to say I feel pretty much the same way.  Politics would be so much easier if I didn’t have to deal with voters…or more importantly, candidates.

All I needed on the day of the debate was a coalition candidate saying things like “Mistress Julia is an atheist” and “God will tell me how to vote’” and “Australia will turn into a Muslim nation under Labor”.

How many times have I told these my battle staff that I agree, but such matters should be kept in the TOP SECRET file?  I am surrounded by idiots.

David Barker – what can I say…

Had you played your cards right you could have been a coalition heavyweight.  I was considering your for shadow minister for health or perhaps shadow minister for race relations (if there isn’t such a ministry I’ll start one).

Look at you…

full of ambition and just the kind of person we need as a representative of the Australian people.

I did always laugh at the joke that you are so fat, if I get into an elevator with you,  I better want to go down.

You say there should not be a Muslim in Parliament and while I might agree with you, what is more important is that we don’t have and fat bastards like you in parliament.

I have stated that you are “over, finished” and now, thanks to you,, so is my chance of becoming Commander ins Chief.

You fat ugly bastard.

Filed under: Me, Mistress Julia, Politics, Religion | 1 Comment »

Recruits, if you are based in Western Australia I am on my way for a cup of tea and to check on your morals.

I have been having a bit of a rough time in the East, having been booed and heckled by the Hey Hey It’s Saturday audience, having been booed and heckled by Mistress Julia and her terrorist followers and having been booed and heckled by the worm that doesn’t want to be part of this Sunday’s debate.

But I know that in Western Australia I am going to be welcome. In fact if you could organise some sort of a hero’s welcome it would give my sagging spirit a bit of a boost.

For those that don’t understand why they love me over there in that remote corner of this wonderful country, it is because I am against the mining tax and most of Western Australian greed and corruption has based around mining.

The minors are thrilled that their Uncle Tony, who learned so much in seminary school, is going to take them by the hand and lead them to a quiet corner where we can have a very secret talk that they should tell anyone about or they will get into a lot of trouble.

The other reason they love me in WA is that I promise to stop the boats coming. Ever since we lost the America Cup this has been a goal of mine and when I hear them yell “Tony, what are you doing about the boats” I simply say “never again”.

Maybe I should get John Bertrand or Alan Bond on board as part of Abbott’s Army – they know how to win.

I would have preferred Ben Lexen, but like my prospects of becoming Commander in Chief, he’s dead.

Filed under: Asylum Seekers, Me, Mistress Julia, Politics, Religion, S*x | No Comments yet »

Recruits, this is an order.  DO NOT watch the video below.

Not only is it clever stupid, it is funny disrespectful and an obvious abuse of copyright.

Who do I report this to? Does someone have an email address for the Internet police? And no, I do not mean Senator Conroy.

Filed under: Me | 2 Comments »

Abbott’s Army recruits, I am offering you and the rest of Australia a choice.

It is a choice that you should not have to make, but Mistress Julia has brought it to this.

By calling an election she has unleashed a wave of Labor, terrorist, Me wannabes.

Tell the truth, who would you rather have, this pathetic substitute me

or the pathetic  genuine me?

I think the choice is clear.

There is nothing more distasteful than someone passing themselves off as me when they aren’t the real me.  I won’t have it.

Vote Early!  Vote Often!

Filed under: Me, Mistress Julia, Politics | 2 Comments »

Recruits…it is important that you are ready for the next few weeks.

Is your camo gear clean and pressed?  Are your weapons polished and ready?  Have you said your prayers?

As part of my battle plan I have been taking stock of my allies and my foes…and what a long list of foes I have.  If I thought I had any chance of beating Mistress Julia I would regard this as a hit list.  Since I don’t you will have to regard it as an “I’m really not happy with them” list.

First up, let’s target centrebet – note the odds on the right?  They have lengthened the coalition out to $3.90.  Any other leader time and I would have suggested mortgaging the house and putting it all on the coalition to win…now, you are on your own with crazy decisions like that.

Next I have the Climate Institute in my sights.  They have challenged my infallible contention that we will never have a carbon tax.  I know there has been some difference within the party – Forget Malcolm Turnbull; Joe Hockey, a potential future leader, said just two months ago that a carbon price was ”inevitable”. Even John Howard has described emissions trading as the only way to cut greenhouse gas emissions.  But what do they know?

I am also targeting (so to speak) The Taliban.  Any other election and having a war to offer more fodder would be good politics.  But with six of our bravest boys making the ultimate sacrifice for God and the king so that we can have the freedom our fathers fought for when they don’t come home to their loved ones as we never forget that they fought on our behalf so that we can remember that they died in the prime of their life doing what they loved, war just isn’t a good thing to be supporting right now.

I am also targeting Mistress Julia.  Not only because she is a girl, but also because she is an unmarried woman living in Sin! with a man.

The only thing I have to say in her favour is to thank her for giving me the honour of being the 10,000th person she follows on Twitter.

Filed under: Climate change LOL, Me, Mistress Julia, Politics | 2 Comments »

Recruits - Attention!

We have finally received our battle orders.

I know many of you have been distressed by my lack of communication recently but I have been playing sport with my local priest – he insisted we have a game of touch – and who am I to deny him a little fun?

Recruits this is the moment of truth.  This is the battle for which we have been girding our loins and other body parts.

TO ARMS!

TO LEGS!

TO NAUGHTY BITS!

I urge you to fight the good fight with me as we take on an easy battle – after all, she’s only a girl.

Filed under: Me, Mistress Julia, Politics | 1 Comment »

Recruits, I find that gloating is one of the few things that makes me feel good.

I have lots to gloat about so I often feel good.  A few of them are that I am the fittest man in Australia, that I am the Commander in Chief in waiting, that I am a Catholic and that I despise women.

I was going to gloat because Johnny, who I used to think was second only to God, missed out on the almost top job in international cricket.

But then I realised, if he is out of work, he may get bored and do a Gillard on me…or even worse, start offering advice.

Johnny…I have an idea, since you are old and retired and border, instead of helping me, while you are in India  get a job in a call centre.

Filed under: Me, Politics | 1 Comment »

Recruits, I am sure you have heard the maxim “life imitates art”.  Being a boofy Aussie bloke, I am not into girly stuff like art.  My observation is that “life imitates Sylvester Stallone movies only it doesn’t quite hurt as much (unless you are KRudd)”.

But today I find that life is imitating ebay which is odd, because the one time I used it to buy a cordless extension lead from China I never received my item, despite sending the money via Western Union.

Yesterday ebay sent me an email telling me that I could win $3,000,000 dollars!  I suppose it is some compensation for the lost $1,247.00.

To have a crack at the prize, first I need to be the one person chosen out of all the ebay users – that’s easy, when they see my name they’ll want the publicity.

Then I get to choose the one envelope with $3 million in it.  It couldn’t be that hard, it would be a pretty big envelope.

The winner may then select one envelope from a choice of 100 and receive the value of that envelope’s contents ie. either a AU$10,000 or a AU$3,000,000 cheque. 99 envelopes contain a cheque for AU$10,000 and 1 envelope contains a cheque for AU$3,000,000. (http://tinyurl.com/2exjunk)

I was really excited about being mega rich like Uncle Rupert until it dawned on me that since it was a cheque and not cash,  my odds of actually guessing the right envelope were about the same as my odds of becoming Commander in Chief.

It isn’t supposed to be this difficult.

Filed under: Me, Politics | No Comments yet »

Recruits,

You may have noticed I have been keeping a low profile recently.  This was Dr Spin and Uncle Rupert’s idea.  Dr Spin saw that KRudd’s (remember him?) popularity was falling and the coalition’s was increasing.  But at the same time people were not fond of the idea of me as Commander in Chief so I have been bound and gagged and locked in a broom cupboard in Parliament House.

At the same time Uncle Rupert decided to try to find out if Invented News Limited could invent a story and inject it into the media narrative just to see what would happen.  Well, he came up with the “Rudd is on the decline” yarn and when repeated often enough it became truth.  Isn’t it great having a mad uncle?

I am stretching my legs after being in the foetal position for 2 months and am ready for an all in, gloves off, no holds barred, to the death battle with Mistress Julia…but Dr Spin says it is not going to be a good look if I hit a girl!  What is the world coming to?

Well, if I’m not allowed sticks or stones then names are going to have to hurt.

Julia Gillard when shuffled, like her cabinet, also spells:

• Jail lurid hag
• Jig a dull liar
• Jail dual girl
• I jail dull rag

it also spells I lull dag I jar, but some names just don’t hurt.

On the other hand, try Julia Gillard PM and you get Dull Liar Jam Pig which fits well doesn’ t it?

Filed under: Me, Mistress Julia, Politics | 7 Comments »

I am looking forward to locking horns with Julia Gillard PM, except for the couple of days a month when she is Julia Gillard PMT

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